Zen and the art of making love

Roadblocks, hurdles, and potholes

Sometimes things are moving in a sexual direction, but then falter. She pulls back, cools off, or shuts down, and you're left wondering what you did wrong. Women get lots of weird and conflicting messages about sex their whole lives, and that can result in very mixed feelings when things heat up. Sometimes the two steps forward, one step back approach is a good idea. Let things heat up, then cool down, then heat up a little more, then cool down. If she seems suddenly reluctant, you be the one to say, "we should stop." Let her feel comfortable with the fact that this is not a matter of life and death for you. Yes, it actually does feel that way to you, but don't let her feel that. Let her know that she's safe.

She needs to know that if at any point she wants things to stop, they will stop. Moving things forward, then back a little, then forward more, then back a little will give her the space she needs to know she has a say in what is going on. So you could be kissing, then go back to talking a little, then back to kissing, but then your hands start exploring, then maybe back to just kissing.

Once again, every woman is different. You need to tune in to her mood to get your timing right, and that isn't always going to be easy. Err on the side of going too slow rather than too fast, and you'll avoid a lot of problems down the road.

Basking in the afterglow

When you're done with your record-breaking love fest, don't forget to stay close and focus on her. Many men feel like jumping up and wandering off after it's all over, but I don't recommend acting on that impulse unless you want your first time with her to also be your last.

Actually, this would be a good time to talk about something you'd like to do with her sometime soon. I'm not suggesting you try to make specific plans since she probably doesn't have her calendar handy, but you could say something like, "you know, I really like being with you and doing things with you. We should go see a band one of these nights." This let's her know that you like spending time with her, and you're not just interested in sex. That probably sets you apart from the vast majority of men she's known. This also sets things up for later when you want to make specific plans. If you bring up going to see a band, or whatever vague plan you mentioned, it will bring back the feelings of closeness you shared the last time you mentioned it.

Wow, that's cool stuff. The main thing I want you to remember is to pay attention to her and what she enjoys. Make sure she's having a good time if you want to be this close with her again. Make it a good experience for her, and don't rush things. Let her feel comfortable and relaxed, and it will all go much smoother.

Oh yeah, and use a condom, cowboy.