What are your goals?
Ok, you want to meet women. Why? What’s the objective? A friend, girlfriend, someone to have sex with, someone to go see a movie with, someone to show your comic book collection to, someone to marry?
Think this over and dig down. What is it that you hope to achieve? Once you decide what you want, the next step is to ask why you want that. What will it give you?
Why is that important to you? These might seem like silly questions, but if you really ask them deeply and take the time to answer them, everything I’m going to teach you about how to meet women will make more sense. You’ll know why you’re doing this. You’ll know what your motivation is. And this will keep you from stopping halfway through the process. If you keep your eyes on the prize, you’ll have an easier time getting it.
That doesn’t mean, by the way, that you attach to your goal and obsess over it. Rather, it gives you a direction to travel in. With each step you move closer to your goal, but each step itself is a part of the journey and should be appreciated. Live your life now, not in some imagined future.
What do you want?
So let’s break this down. What is your objective? If you really follow through with the Zen of meeting women, you are going to meet a lot of women. A lot. You’ll have lots of conversations, get lots of phone numbers and email addresses, and have the opportunity to continue from there. But that is not an end in itself.
Some of these women might become friends, some will become more than just friends. How many girlfriends do you really want or need? Remember, while you want abundance to chase away the scarcity mindset, you don’t want every hour of every day devoted to hanging out with women. A little moderation might be advisable. Do you want one girlfriend? More than one?
How about one main one, with a group of prospects waiting in the wings? As long as you’re honest with everyone about what your relationship is, it’s really up to you to decide. Not ready for marriage? That’s fine.
Looking for a wife? That’s fine. It’s all up to you. The important thing is you keep the goal in mind and let that goal guide your actions. If you’ve met the woman of your dreams and have been dating her for months and months, keeping twenty other girlfriends hanging on might not be such a good idea. Decide what you want, and do what feels right to you. Just keep moving toward your goal.
Picture what you want
Take a moment now, put the book down (after you read this section), and picture in your mind what the ideal outcome of this process will be for you. Going out every night with a different woman, or sitting on the couch watching a movie with one special one.
Whatever it is, I want you to picture it clearly. I can’t do this part for you, it’s up to you to decide what you really want and picture it clearly in your mind. And remember, the question here is what do you want. If some nagging voice comes flying in from nowhere saying, “what? That will never happen,” just send that voice packing. It won’t happen if you don’t let it happen. Open up, and let yourself dream. What is your ideal outcome? Put the book down now and don’t pick it back up till you’ve done this.
Ok, did you do it? What? You didn’t? Hey, look. This is the easy stuff. We are taking baby steps. But if you don’t take them, you are not going to learn to run.
Really, do this. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and picture your ideal outcome. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here when you get back.
There we go! Ok, hopefully whatever it is you just pictured is actually legal. If not, go back and revise. And remember precept #3, “I will be conscious and loving in my relationships.” If the picture doesn’t include being loving, I think that is likewise cause for revision. Love can be brief, but without it, you’ll find this a meaningless exercise. We are not out to feed the insatiable ego, we are out to slay it.
Why do you want that?
Now that we have a goal, we can move to the next step.
Let’s examine why you want whatever it is you decided you want. Let’s say your image is of you walking hand in hand with a beautiful woman. Nice and romantic.
It’s a spring day. Birds are chirping. The sun is shining.
The stock market is up. Everything is perfect. Ok, so why do you want that? What will it give you? If the answer is, it will boost my ego, we have some work to do. While it’s true that being in a loving relationship will make you feel better, it’s because you are sharing your life with another person. You have someone special to experience the spring day with. It isn’t about your ego, it’s about living life even more fully. It’s about being with someone that sees something special in you, not just someone that gives you something. Remember, we are trying to avoid coming from a place of neediness. If you walk up to a woman and say, “hey, will you go out with me?
My ego could really use a boost,” what would you expect her to say? If you’re lucky, she’ll take it as a joke. If not, she’s likely to think you’re nuts. Now what if you walk up to the same woman and say, “hey, you look like someone I’d like to know better. Let’s spend some time together and see if we have something to share.” My guess is you’d at least get her interest. But we aren’t going to say that out loud. We’re going to come from a place inside that speaks those words through our actions, our body language, our expression, our very being. If you just say the words, she might not believe them. If you live the words, if you embody them, then there will be no convincing to do. It will be truth, and she will pick up on that truth the more she is with you. That’s powerful stuff.
So back to our question, why do you want the outcome you’ve pictured? What will it do, what will it mean, why is it important? You need to answer these very important questions for yourself. So let’s do that right now, while we’re on a roll. Set down the book again-and I do hope you’re setting it down in a nice clean spot-and picture your ideal outcome again.
Then ask yourself, “what will I have if! make this come true, why is this important to me?” Do it now.
Ok, that was actually a tough one. I should have warned you. Sorry about that. Oh well. You may not have come up with The Definitive Answer, but hopefully it got you thinking about what it is you really want and why. Feel free to come back to this from time to time. Your answer might change, and that’s fine. We aren’t attaching to one answer or one reason, or even one ideal outcome. All of this stuff can change over time. The point is to have an idea of what you want now, and to work on that now. If it changes later, well, you’ll deal with that later. That’s life. All you have to do is work on the present, and let the “future you” worry about the future. Sound good?
And by the way, you might find your mind drifting back to your ideal image and your reason for wanting it during meditation. That’s fine, let it. Spend a little time drifting around there, and then after you’ve chewed it over, get back to counting your breaths.
Sometimes during meditation important stuff comes up, and it’s ok to deal with that stuff before you get back to meditating. It’s all part of the process.
One more thing I should toss in here. It can be helpful to ask yourself not only what you want and why you want it, but also, how will you know when you get it. Sometimes this is obvious. If what you want is to be married, then when you’re standing up there taking your vows, it will be quite clear that you achieved your goal. But if what you want is a little more loosey goosey, like “I want a loving relationship with someone I respect and am attracted to,” that’s a little tougher. So ask yourself, how will I know when I’ve achieved my goal. What will that look like, sound like, feel like.
Although we don’t want to obsess with achieving any one specific goal, it’s important to recognize when you’re making progress toward a goal and when you’ve achieved a goal. If you achieve a goal, it’s a good time to celebrate, and to set a new goal, so that you’re always growing, living, and learning.
So you know what you want and why you want it. You know what it will be like when you get it. You’ve started exercising and meditating. You’ve done all the assignments so far, and you’re starting to notice the way people communicate things about themselves nonverbally. You notice your own nonverbal communication, and you are working to improve from the inside out and the outside in.
You have also become aware of those times you are acting out of a scarcity mindset rather than an abundance mind set. You are letting go of attachment, letting yourself feel what it’s like to not obsess over this and that. It’s all starting to make a little bit of sense, somehow.
Now it’s time to get the roadmap for the rest of the process, then fill our tank and go. Don’t worry, we’re still taking baby steps every bit of the way.
Nothing up ahead is any more difficult than what we’ve already done. It’s just that at a certain point you’re going to realize the baby grew up and is driving a lean, mean, attraction machine. Do every assignment, continue with your daily meditation, and you will get there.